Helen Mirren: YAS QUEEN/DAME. How is it possible that a 69 year old woman is eons more attractive than my 21 year old a$$? I’m ashamed of myself yet proud of her. Although she is wearing camouflage so it’s hard to see her beauty.
Cara Delevigne: first of all, how do I pronounce your fu*king last name????? You’re beautiful (duh) but I don’t like the weird tattoos. If they were real though, that would be kinda cool. It would show some real #dedication to the #metgala #cause. Your body is incredible though and I still like the overall look.
Constance Jablonski: You’re essentially wearing a looser version of what Cara Delevigne has on, minus the weird tats and plus these weirder Adidas sandals that people wear in the shower to prevent athletes’ foot. This is the Met Gala honey, not a women’s locker room!!!!!!! Get your sh*t together, Constance.
JLo: Why is Jenny from the block being so blatantly excluded from this naked argument? She is just as nudey as bey and k #rude #exclusion
Gigi Hadid: Who is Gigi Hadid????? She’s really…really hot. I’m actively questioning my sexuality. Still calling you out on the red on red camouflage move, but your extreme hotness led me to googling who you were, so it’s working. (PS: She’s a model. Shocking.)
Katy Perry: Wtf KT. You’re carrying a spray paint bottle as a purse. Is the bottle full or is it empty and is your phone in there? Also, your hair is in the awkward growing out the pixie cut stage that makes you resemble a 14 year old boy- imma need you to grow it out or cut it stat.
Madonna: Promoting her own album on her dress is #not #classy #and #pretty #tacky
Side note: What’s with all the slicked back hair? My head is too large to do that successfully. I need volume to come back @kimk
Justin Bieber: Actually looks good and well-themed, but he’s a sh*thead so he’s not getting any kudos.
Imogen Poots: Possibly the worst name ever?????? Also, looks like Little Goth on the Prairie.
Amal Clooney: Like Dame Helen Mirren, I will excuse the camouflage red dress/red carpet combination because you are a beautiful monster. You managed to lock down the sexiest old man in the world while fighting for #humanrights while maintaining those beautiful sharp cheekbones. Keep on keeping on, you sexy enigma.
Does somewhat resemble the flamenco dancer emoji, though.
Claire Danes: So there’s a backstory here. Cookie from Empire wears black/dark lipstick so I wanted to, but I’m very pale and didn’t think it would look good, but Claire Danes has just proved me wrong with this look. I will be walking myself over to Rite Aid and picking up a nice noir shade stat.
Amanda Seyfried: Honorable mention for pale b*tches who inspire fellow albinos to wear dark lips
Solange: You look like a stingray. You should have shared some of your cloth with your sis Yonce, since she only had crystals on. Although if you have to go the Met Gala and you have a huge zit on your chin, this is the way to go.
Georgia May Jagger: People are giving her sh*t for wearing a #japanese #kimono style dress to a #chinese themed event but fuqq she looks hot.
Kris Jenner: Kris looks like the head honcho/druglord of a high-end Asian casino from a James Bond movie with Komodo dragons crawling around in the moat. I wouldn’t count cards in front of her.
Anne Hathaway: Says she was inspired by Buddha. Caroline thinks she looks like an Oscar. I think that booty looks relish and that the hood is a good move on a bad hair day.
Side note: Why do they even bother putting guys in suits on these slideshows??? They all look pretty much the same and the majority of them look good. Thank you for your sexiness, fancy men, but I’m just tryna look at dresses.
Poppy Delevigne: First off, how are Poppy and Cara both models? Very uneven distribution of good genes…doesn’t feel fair to me and my sister, neither of us who have been signed to any modeling agencies yet. Anyways, I think Poppy has been waiting her whole life to wear a dress with poppies on it…are those poppies? I’m not actually sure. It’d be pretty sh!tty to her namesake if she were wearing a different flower, so for her sake, I hope they’re poppies.
Well, that’s about it. A big shoutout to alcohol for disrupting my sleep cycle and waking me up at 7am so that I could look through all the dresses worn at the Met Gala instead of sleep. Thanks for reading, and thanks to both nash and bean for granting me a guest spot on this shiz.