Postgrad-A Haiku

Postgrad is a weird place. College rules don’t apply but adult rules don’t always apply because we’re only 22 and definitely aren’t adults yet. We’re supposed to take real life super seriously, but honestly, we feel like life is at its most absurd right now. Like, who thought it was a good idea to let us loose on society? Sorry, world. We’re here, some of us are queer, and we’re not going anywhere. So let’s take a moment to laugh at the ridiculousness that is postgrad with some haikus from some of our favorite people, our best friends. Warning: strap on your adult diaper, because you’ll be laughing so hard you may need it.

*Haikus have been creatively developed by Caroline, Gabby, and our wonderful collection of friends (KK, MG, KL, AB, DN)*

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My boss yelled at me,
I said I am so sorry,
I don’t give a shit.

You can’t drink on Tues,
Sis walked in on me pooping,
When does grad school start?

Live with my parents,
would someone please hire me,
ha ha ha ha ha.

Those may sound like laughs,
But really I am crying,
ha ha ha ha ha.

Dating apps are weird,
alcohol costs much money,
I guess I’ll date him.

The day’s high and low?
High: ate chipotle for lunch.
Low: that is my high.

No one gets me like
FuckJerry and thefatjew
I pee every time.

Drinking with my cat,
Different than being at school,
Cat won’t drink with me.

Counting down the days
I miss my biddies so much
Who said this was fun?

Yes, I am employed
Do you want sprinkles on that?
Why did I move home.

Parents got new car,
Why buy cool things once I’m gone?
No more tuition.

I am all alone,
Real Housewives: my only friends
I might kill my mom.

Orange is The New
Black…I finished season 3.
Nothing to live for.

I said screw the man,
I am working for the man,
I can’t pay my bills.

All I want is ‘za,
Cannot afford to buy ‘za.
Life without ‘za sucks.

Welcome to the trap,
wipe your feet before entrance,
this is my home now.

Can I eat ice cream
For breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
You only live once.

I have a crockpot,
I am sixty five years old,
I will make good soups.

This is my life now,
Watching shark week all night long,
In my bed by 10.

What is clean eating,
I only cry at Whole Foods,
Guess I’ll have pizza.

Work is kind of hard
My boss is cooler than me
She is twenty nine

Braving Trader Joes,
Maybe I’ll meet a yopro,
Just kidding, it’s me.

Family BBQ
“No, I don’t have a job yet”
Screw you, Uncle Jeff

Free food much more scarce,
When not paying tuition,
Real world is shitty.

Must travel in car,
Instead of walking down hall,
To hang out with friends.

Mom noticed weight gain,
“Must have been stress from exams,”
Drunk at last final.

“Describe a time you…,”
No, fuck you, this internship’s,
Unpaid anyways.

 

And with that….we’re done.

X
G + C

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